Sexams - Attitudes (weapons)

In the last post, I talked about the views and attitudes that hinder our sex lives and ultimately our marriages. We said those were:

• using sex as a punishment or reward
• using sex as a weapon
• viewing sex as an obligation

In this post, we're going to take a look at the ways we view and use sex as a weapon against our spouse.

Sex as a weapon: I heard a saying once: women use sex to get love; and men use love to get sex. Unfortunately, that may be true of your situation, but it doesn't have to be.

There's nothing wrong with your husband's sex drive. We have a lot of factors that affect our sex drive (child-bearing, hormonal changes, and stress to name a few), but just because our desire diminishes at times (or even completely disappears), doesn't make it OK to act like something's wrong with your man's healthy, normal and robust desire. That's how he's wired. His desire for you isn't bad or dirty, or anything to be ashamed of. Be careful that you don't twist his healthy desire around so you can feel better about yourself. If you don't have a desire for sex, figure out why. If it's because of something physical, see your doctor. If it's because of something emotional, figure out how to work on it. Sometimes men are selfish lovers, but if you emasculate him, you won't be making the situation better; you'll be making it worse and taking it backward rather than forward. When it seemed like my husband wanted sex 24/7 (and I wanted it 7/24 - that's 7 seconds out of every 24 days LOL) it was easier to try to make his desire seem like a bad thing. If I could get him thinking something was wrong with him, I could take the focus off of me. But that didn't really fix anything; in fact, I felt worse because I knew the problem was mine and I threw it on him.

Put your weapon down and start talking. Learn how to fight fair. Figure out what your root issue is, and work on it together. You might need a therapist to help you navigate your way through this; if so, I hope you'll get one. Your marriage is worth the work.

New household policy: no WMDs in the bedroom. :)

Sexams - Attitudes (rewards & punishments)

Taking a "sexam" is vital to the health and wealth of your sex life because it helps you measure where you are and whether you're going where you want to go. Every marriage needs hedges of protection placed around it and sexams are part of those hedges.

Today's sexam is about our attitudes, what we really believe about sex, and its role in our lives.

I hear women say things like:

"I don't mind when my husband is sick. At least then he doesn't want sex." or "Oh geez, he's feeling better. Now I'm probably going to have to give it to him later."

"A diamond tennis bracelet for my birthday? Wow, somebody's going to get lucky tonight."

"I told him I'm not giving him any until he starts helping me more around the house."

"Why does he have to have it all the time? What is wrong with him?"
Can you see how bad this is?
Sex is not a weapon or an obligation, and should never be used as a reward or punishment. Viewing it any of these ways will do the most damage to your relationship. In this post I'm going to talk about one of these points and we'll take a closer look at the others in the next few.
Let's start with:
Sex as a reward or punishment: If you don't think your husband helps enough around the house or with the kids, aim your efforts at something that's going to move the situation forward because no positive changes will ever come from degrading your man like that. Withholding sex as punishment for any reason is not only fighting dirty, it's manipulation and nobody wants to be manipulated.

On the flip side of the manipulation coin, your affection isn't for sale, so don't prostitute yourself out like that. Your man does not want to buy sex from you. If he wanted to buy it, he'd go find a hooker. You're his wife, his lover, his confidante, his friend and he shouldn't have to pay for your affection.

Don't treat your husband like he's a dog or a child you're trying to train, offering a treat when he's been good. He's a man, and not only that, he's your man; treat him with dignity and respect. If you'll respect him, he'll love you. And don't start a peeing contest where you say you'll respect him after he gives you what you want. That just adds fuel to the fire.

Sex is about two people joining together to enjoy each other. I read a book once about how men are like waffles and women are like spaghetti. Basically, men (like waffles do with syrup) keep most everything in their life compartmentalized but everything in a woman's life (like spaghetti on a plate) touches everything else. But sex is an area that we women need to learn to compartmentalize a little more.

Your sex life should be unrelated to and unaffected by which one of you changed more dirty diapers this week, who did the most dishes or laundry, and whether he forgot to take out the trash again. Your sex life should be about hey, look at this amazing gift I've been given. I get to get with this?! Because even if the "this" you get to get with does everything wrong (in your opinion) outside the bedroom, he's still amazing, caring, loving, sexy, handsome, smart, funny, and all the other things you thought he was before you married him and life became filled with responsibilities and stress.

Pencils down!
How did you do? Have you ever thought or said things similar to any of the statements I listed as examples? I have. And it's not uncommon. But I've got to tell you how these statements, often made in jest, frustration, or just outright thoughtlessness, can seriously affect your marriage.

Do you believe it's OK to use sex as a reward or a punishment? Do you behave as if you do? If the answer to either or both of these is yes, ask yourself why. Is it an attitude you picked up from other women, or something you learned from your mom or grandmother? Is it because of your frustration with your own situation?

If you and your spouse are barely have sex once a month and if in 10 years from now you're OK with being more like distant roommates than intimate lovers, finding one or both of you in an extra marital affair, or simply being divorced and bitter, don't change anything; keep doing what you're doing. If, however, you're not satisifed and you want a sex life and marriage that thrives rather than survives, there's hope. And just like everything else in life, it starts with your beliefs, attitudes and views.

What you believe fuels your decisions, and your decisions determine your outcome. If your outcome isn't what you desired, go back to square one.

I'd love to hear from you. Email me to let me know what's on your mind.

Great Sexpectations

Most of us have certain expectations in relationships, whether that relationship is with a friend, co-worker, roommate, lab partner, or family member. Sometimes we're not even aware of the expectations we have, yet many of the challenges we encounter stem from those expectations being unmet. Unfortunately something as electrifying and amazing as sex isn't immune to this type of situation.

Did you expect to have sex several times a week because that's what you were used to? And now that you're down to only twice a month, are you frustrated and confused? Maybe feeling rejected somehow?

Did you expect your husband to rub your back without it leading to sex?

Were you disappointed because your wife only wanted her back rubbed when she asked you to rub her back?

A friend told me once that he knew without a doubt he made his wife feel like a million bucks one night and he was sure she was going to want a repeat the next night. He was disappointed to find out she wasn't interested. But he was crushed when she wasn't interested for another week! He couldn't understand why she didn't share his "you can't have too much of a good thing" philosophy.

Are your sexpectations being met? Do you know what your partner's sexpectations are? Do you think you're meeting them? Have you asked?

In the next post, I'm going to talk about why taking Sexams are vital to the health and wealth of your sex life.