Affection

"I joyfully forsake all other claims to my affections."

Those words were part of my wedding vows but I didn't have an especially strong understanding of that particular line. I mean, I got the gist of it, but I had never thought about my affection or who (or what) claimed it. Through the years I've come to understand a few things, though, and 'claims to affection' is one of them.

The word "claim" means to demand recognition of a right. As in, people other than my husband demanding some kind of right to my affection. Saying those words in my wedding vows meant previous claims to my affection were made null and void. But there have been times since my wedding day when people have made claims, demanding their right to my affection. What does a claim to your affection look like? Well, it might look like:

• a colleague who divulges a little too much personal info about his/her marital relationship ("my wife doesn't understand me," "my husband is a jerk");
• a colleague who offers to rub your shoulders when s/he passes you in the hallway or sees you at the copy machine rubbing/stretching your neck while you're waiting;
• the colleague who is chatty, friendly, and offers to take you to lunch when you're having a bad day;
• a female colleague who bends over your desk often, giving you ample opportunity to check out her cleavage;
• a colleague who goes beyond professionalism at the work place (gives you more attention than they should, offers to take you to lunch, or wants more of your emotional attention than is appropriate).

But what about porn? Porn, strip clubs, and looking at girls on the beach - do those these vie for our affection? If a man is honest, he will say "yes." Because while a man may not do anything with those strippers or the girls he's eyeballing on the beach, his affection is averted away from his wife. And I don't care how hip or enlightened a woman claims to be, I'm calling BS on the women who say they don't mind if their husbands "look at the menu as long as he eats at home."  I don't know a single woman who is OK with her husband's junk getting excited while he looks at other women.

Nobody wakes up one day and says to themselves, I think I'll have an affair today.  It starts slowly, this giving away of your affection. Slowly, and quietly, like a ninja, so you have to stay alert and put some boundaries or hedges in place so that if/when something comes up, you won't have to wonder how to handle it. My husband and I have an agreement that neither of us goes to lunch or rides in a vehicle with someone of the opposite sex unless his/her spouse is there as well (or it's a group situation) except in special circumstances. Simply having this policy in place immediately provides a certain level of protection to our relationship. And although some people may have thought we were a little weird for having this 'rule,' they often see the wisdom in having it.

So, have you ever thought about the claims to your affection and how you can put a hedge of protection around your marriage?