Affection

"I joyfully forsake all other claims to my affections."

Those words were part of my wedding vows but I didn't have an especially strong understanding of that particular line. I mean, I got the gist of it, but I had never thought about my affection or who (or what) claimed it. Through the years I've come to understand a few things, though, and 'claims to affection' is one of them.

The word "claim" means to demand recognition of a right. As in, people other than my husband demanding some kind of right to my affection. Saying those words in my wedding vows meant previous claims to my affection were made null and void. But there have been times since my wedding day when people have made claims, demanding their right to my affection. What does a claim to your affection look like? Well, it might look like:

• a colleague who divulges a little too much personal info about his/her marital relationship ("my wife doesn't understand me," "my husband is a jerk");
• a colleague who offers to rub your shoulders when s/he passes you in the hallway or sees you at the copy machine rubbing/stretching your neck while you're waiting;
• the colleague who is chatty, friendly, and offers to take you to lunch when you're having a bad day;
• a female colleague who bends over your desk often, giving you ample opportunity to check out her cleavage;
• a colleague who goes beyond professionalism at the work place (gives you more attention than they should, offers to take you to lunch, or wants more of your emotional attention than is appropriate).

But what about porn? Porn, strip clubs, and looking at girls on the beach - do those these vie for our affection? If a man is honest, he will say "yes." Because while a man may not do anything with those strippers or the girls he's eyeballing on the beach, his affection is averted away from his wife. And I don't care how hip or enlightened a woman claims to be, I'm calling BS on the women who say they don't mind if their husbands "look at the menu as long as he eats at home."  I don't know a single woman who is OK with her husband's junk getting excited while he looks at other women.

Nobody wakes up one day and says to themselves, I think I'll have an affair today.  It starts slowly, this giving away of your affection. Slowly, and quietly, like a ninja, so you have to stay alert and put some boundaries or hedges in place so that if/when something comes up, you won't have to wonder how to handle it. My husband and I have an agreement that neither of us goes to lunch or rides in a vehicle with someone of the opposite sex unless his/her spouse is there as well (or it's a group situation) except in special circumstances. Simply having this policy in place immediately provides a certain level of protection to our relationship. And although some people may have thought we were a little weird for having this 'rule,' they often see the wisdom in having it.

So, have you ever thought about the claims to your affection and how you can put a hedge of protection around your marriage?

Sexams - Attitudes (weapons)

In the last post, I talked about the views and attitudes that hinder our sex lives and ultimately our marriages. We said those were:

• using sex as a punishment or reward
• using sex as a weapon
• viewing sex as an obligation

In this post, we're going to take a look at the ways we view and use sex as a weapon against our spouse.

Sex as a weapon: I heard a saying once: women use sex to get love; and men use love to get sex. Unfortunately, that may be true of your situation, but it doesn't have to be.

There's nothing wrong with your husband's sex drive. We have a lot of factors that affect our sex drive (child-bearing, hormonal changes, and stress to name a few), but just because our desire diminishes at times (or even completely disappears), doesn't make it OK to act like something's wrong with your man's healthy, normal and robust desire. That's how he's wired. His desire for you isn't bad or dirty, or anything to be ashamed of. Be careful that you don't twist his healthy desire around so you can feel better about yourself. If you don't have a desire for sex, figure out why. If it's because of something physical, see your doctor. If it's because of something emotional, figure out how to work on it. Sometimes men are selfish lovers, but if you emasculate him, you won't be making the situation better; you'll be making it worse and taking it backward rather than forward. When it seemed like my husband wanted sex 24/7 (and I wanted it 7/24 - that's 7 seconds out of every 24 days LOL) it was easier to try to make his desire seem like a bad thing. If I could get him thinking something was wrong with him, I could take the focus off of me. But that didn't really fix anything; in fact, I felt worse because I knew the problem was mine and I threw it on him.

Put your weapon down and start talking. Learn how to fight fair. Figure out what your root issue is, and work on it together. You might need a therapist to help you navigate your way through this; if so, I hope you'll get one. Your marriage is worth the work.

New household policy: no WMDs in the bedroom. :)

Sexams - Attitudes (rewards & punishments)

Taking a "sexam" is vital to the health and wealth of your sex life because it helps you measure where you are and whether you're going where you want to go. Every marriage needs hedges of protection placed around it and sexams are part of those hedges.

Today's sexam is about our attitudes, what we really believe about sex, and its role in our lives.

I hear women say things like:

"I don't mind when my husband is sick. At least then he doesn't want sex." or "Oh geez, he's feeling better. Now I'm probably going to have to give it to him later."

"A diamond tennis bracelet for my birthday? Wow, somebody's going to get lucky tonight."

"I told him I'm not giving him any until he starts helping me more around the house."

"Why does he have to have it all the time? What is wrong with him?"
Can you see how bad this is?
Sex is not a weapon or an obligation, and should never be used as a reward or punishment. Viewing it any of these ways will do the most damage to your relationship. In this post I'm going to talk about one of these points and we'll take a closer look at the others in the next few.
Let's start with:
Sex as a reward or punishment: If you don't think your husband helps enough around the house or with the kids, aim your efforts at something that's going to move the situation forward because no positive changes will ever come from degrading your man like that. Withholding sex as punishment for any reason is not only fighting dirty, it's manipulation and nobody wants to be manipulated.

On the flip side of the manipulation coin, your affection isn't for sale, so don't prostitute yourself out like that. Your man does not want to buy sex from you. If he wanted to buy it, he'd go find a hooker. You're his wife, his lover, his confidante, his friend and he shouldn't have to pay for your affection.

Don't treat your husband like he's a dog or a child you're trying to train, offering a treat when he's been good. He's a man, and not only that, he's your man; treat him with dignity and respect. If you'll respect him, he'll love you. And don't start a peeing contest where you say you'll respect him after he gives you what you want. That just adds fuel to the fire.

Sex is about two people joining together to enjoy each other. I read a book once about how men are like waffles and women are like spaghetti. Basically, men (like waffles do with syrup) keep most everything in their life compartmentalized but everything in a woman's life (like spaghetti on a plate) touches everything else. But sex is an area that we women need to learn to compartmentalize a little more.

Your sex life should be unrelated to and unaffected by which one of you changed more dirty diapers this week, who did the most dishes or laundry, and whether he forgot to take out the trash again. Your sex life should be about hey, look at this amazing gift I've been given. I get to get with this?! Because even if the "this" you get to get with does everything wrong (in your opinion) outside the bedroom, he's still amazing, caring, loving, sexy, handsome, smart, funny, and all the other things you thought he was before you married him and life became filled with responsibilities and stress.

Pencils down!
How did you do? Have you ever thought or said things similar to any of the statements I listed as examples? I have. And it's not uncommon. But I've got to tell you how these statements, often made in jest, frustration, or just outright thoughtlessness, can seriously affect your marriage.

Do you believe it's OK to use sex as a reward or a punishment? Do you behave as if you do? If the answer to either or both of these is yes, ask yourself why. Is it an attitude you picked up from other women, or something you learned from your mom or grandmother? Is it because of your frustration with your own situation?

If you and your spouse are barely have sex once a month and if in 10 years from now you're OK with being more like distant roommates than intimate lovers, finding one or both of you in an extra marital affair, or simply being divorced and bitter, don't change anything; keep doing what you're doing. If, however, you're not satisifed and you want a sex life and marriage that thrives rather than survives, there's hope. And just like everything else in life, it starts with your beliefs, attitudes and views.

What you believe fuels your decisions, and your decisions determine your outcome. If your outcome isn't what you desired, go back to square one.

I'd love to hear from you. Email me to let me know what's on your mind.

Great Sexpectations

Most of us have certain expectations in relationships, whether that relationship is with a friend, co-worker, roommate, lab partner, or family member. Sometimes we're not even aware of the expectations we have, yet many of the challenges we encounter stem from those expectations being unmet. Unfortunately something as electrifying and amazing as sex isn't immune to this type of situation.

Did you expect to have sex several times a week because that's what you were used to? And now that you're down to only twice a month, are you frustrated and confused? Maybe feeling rejected somehow?

Did you expect your husband to rub your back without it leading to sex?

Were you disappointed because your wife only wanted her back rubbed when she asked you to rub her back?

A friend told me once that he knew without a doubt he made his wife feel like a million bucks one night and he was sure she was going to want a repeat the next night. He was disappointed to find out she wasn't interested. But he was crushed when she wasn't interested for another week! He couldn't understand why she didn't share his "you can't have too much of a good thing" philosophy.

Are your sexpectations being met? Do you know what your partner's sexpectations are? Do you think you're meeting them? Have you asked?

In the next post, I'm going to talk about why taking Sexams are vital to the health and wealth of your sex life.

What should sex look like?

Where did sex come from? I know, I sound like a little kid when she asks where babies come from. But I’m serious: where and when do you think sex started? Who invented it? Has it been perfected? Is what we know all there is to know? Why are some of us afraid of what we don’t know? What did sex look like before Hugh Heffner, Larry Flynt and others got our society to view sex through their lenses?

When something is bad and we like it, why do we credit the devil for it? When something is good and pure and we don’t like it, why do we blame God for it? That seems skewed and unfair if you ask me. You know what I’m talking about: lust feels good but it’s the devil’s fault; sex sucks and God’s to blame. Like I said; skewed view. We need a paradigm shift.

The journey begins

I was sitting on the couch reading one day when suddenly I had the idea to go peek at my hubby while he was taking a shower. I ignored it at first, not because I didn't enjoy looking at my husband, but because I thought he'd want to have sex. And it's not that I didn't like to have sex; I just didn't like my body. And having sex meant having to undress my body. Because, you know, if I don't uncover it, then I don't have to think about it, right? But I couldn't shake the feeling that I needed to go peek at the hubster's package.

So I got off my blessed assurance and went to the back of the house. I stood on the toilet lid and looked over the top of the shower door. I was expecting him to smile, say something macho, or puff out his chest. But he didn't do any of those things. In fact, he didn't know what to do.

So say it was awkward would be putting it mildly. It's not that he didn't like me coming in there to look at him; it's just that I'd never done that before. But things were about to change; big time. I spent a lot of time thinking about what kind of sex life I wanted and whether what I was doing was going to get me there. And so began a journey of changing beliefs, behaviors, and body image.